I woke up this morning, made my coffee, and while I was listening to Giolì & Assia’s Fire Hell and Holy Water album I got this urge to write. Actually, it’s pretty wild, but you could say that I got these glimpses of visuals of myself like pounding hard on the ground and then reaching up to the sky. All of a sudden a tear just rolled down my face too. Can’t really explain it, but it was like some kind of calling from within to write. So I grabbed my journal and started writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I let the pen and ink spill my guts on the tear-proof papers.
Being a writer, it’s hard for me to share my works without having revised it a million times, but I’m impulsively sharing this and what I wrote in it’s raw and unrevised format. Perhaps it might help someone out there who’s dealing with the hard feels of love and loss, or perhaps it will just be a reminder for myself…
Earthquakes & Waterfalls
Pounding my fists on the soil
Knocking hard as if it were the cops
Banging on hell’s front door
With a warrant out for arrests
“Are you there?”
Beating down harder each time
Dirt splatters around me
My knuckles are bloody; fingers
Soaked in different shades of burgundy
“Are you there?”
Looking up to the clouds, I bleed out
My knees are stained with blood, filth & despair
As if I’ve been crawling on desert(ed) grounds
I scream – a call out for death
“ARE YOU THERE?!”
Reaching up to the periwinkle sky
With my palms pressed together I plead:
“Please – please – hear me.” Eyes glistening
With the sun’s shine – a heavenly view.
Each teardrop feels like I am
Washed clean. There’s still hope.
I scream – a call out for life
“Are you there?”
In a heartbeat my feral growls
Crack into submission. Pouring
Out of me – the tears wash away
the layers of dirt and lava covering
The rock that has become my heart.
“Please – please – be here with me.”
Fury turned into frowns longing
For interaction. The moon has set
& the sun has risen for five years
And I still miss you to my core.
Sometimes loss makes me shake the earth.
Sometimes missing you turns me into a waterfall.
I wish you would just hold me so that I would stop
Shaking the ground to avoid it from flooding.
I love you.
I miss you.
I wish you would just answer:
“Yes, I am here.”
-MEANRO, Megan Antoinette Rojer
Today is September 13th, 2022, and we are two days short to my big sister Misjah’s 5-year ‘deathiversary‘. I have mixed feelings about this word as when I think of anniversaries it reminds me of celebrations, and well, her death is quite the opposite for me. Losing her back in 2017 marked a pivotal moment of pain in my life. It is without a doubt one of the biggest aches in my heart. I don’t think you ever get over the loss of someone you loved so deeply and dearly.
When it comes to grief it feels like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Some days you soar with joy of loving smiles and recollections of times you spent together. For example when thinking back about the things people did while alive that made you laugh or think: “that’s so Misjah” and “Misjah would’ve loved this”.
While other days you are spun upside down – scared – hoping to make it alive through the ride. All there is to do in these moments is survive. Whatever that may mean for you on that day, you just survive.
